I hold an image of myself in my mind. Other people inform me this image is comically distorted to the negative. I insist it is realistic in the Simon Cowell sense. I try to see myself as others would see me. I try to be objective in these things.
This is a miserable way to live.
I should restrain from this sort of ruthless self-flagellation.
I should accept myself as worthy of love, shoulders and all.
I should laugh away the negative and stride through life
with unshakeable confidence,
with invulnerable self-possession,
with cocked hips and a smile.
Instead, I withdraw. My inability to measure up to my own standard paralyzes me, terrifies me, whittles my verve to splinters.
No one could succeed at anything with Cowell riding shotgun in their mind.
I won't succeed at anything until I kick the bastard out.
Kicking him out in 3 … 2 … 1 …
Fuck.
"All the streets are silent..."
3 hours ago
'Shall I tell you where the men are who have unshakable confidence? Shall I tell you where the women are whose self-possession is invulnerable? Shall I tell you where the people are who believe most in themselves?
ReplyDeleteFor I can tell you. I know of men who believe in themselves more colossally than Napoleon or Caesar. I know where flames the fixed star of certainty and success. I can guide you to the thrones of the Super-men. The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.'
You will be free of your inner Simon Cowell when you are no longer worried about the presence of your inner Simon Cowell. This is quite different from deciding that your inner Cowell is right, mind you. Everyone's got an inner critic. Or if they don't, they're completely mad. Your inner critic is not your self, and you must decide what to do with its advice, when and how to attend to it, and when to ignore it completely, just as you must decide when to indulge one emotional state which you are experiencing and not another which is just as strong and seems (in the heat of the moment) just as justified.
You're absolutely right, which earns you my temporary hatred by virtue of convenience.
ReplyDeleteMy problem is that picking and choosing emotional states is untrivial, and I have no skill for it. I once thought it impossible in general. Then I accepted it was possible for other people, but not for me. Now I accept it is possible for me, and I am gaining the skill, but this is a long annoying process called "growing up".
Well then my dear you're going to hate me too. A target of convenience then I guess? Simon Cowell is so full of himself, more than enough for all of us, and frankly while he can be funny at times, he's a cynic and harsh critic full of his own self importance. SO not you! Paul's right, and I love the way he writes, you have that in common with him.
ReplyDeleteGrowing, yeah it's a real pain! I'm so with you there!