Author's note: I wrote this in October. It's way past it's expiration date, but that's what I get for using actual ink and paper these days. Mind the stinky cheese.Picture for a moment John McCain and Sarah Palin as superheroes in a bad Japanese monster movie. Picture them in the worst 80's kaiju schlock you've ever seen. Picture them as low rent Power Rangers in blue and pink costumes.
Watch as a gigantic donkey man-creature with glowing red eyes stalks onto a cheap soundstage: a 1/8th scale model of some cartoon version of Washington DC, complete with the Capitol, the White House, and the Washington Monument. The creature roars and stomps around the city, crushing houses and cars at random. It stomps on over to Congress and vomits up a horde of baby monsters. Some cackle and slither into the Senate and the House, trailing blue slime in their wake. Others scatter into the city.
One of the creatures slithers down a street and and into a house where an overweight man is sitting on a couch and watching NASCAR. He is two cans into a six pack, and one of his hands rests just beneath the waistband exposed by his unbuttoned pants. He sees the creature and shrieks.
An old soldier and an aging beauty queen walk together down a nearby side street. While discussing tax cuts, they hear the shrieking man. They give each other looks of alarm and run into a convenient pair of phone booths. They emerge, clad in sparkly red spandex outfits with masks and capes.
On his chest, the old man has “John” in military stencil script above an outline of Arizona. On hers, the beauty queen has “Sarah” in pink cursive above an outline of Alaska. Together, they sprint into the house with the threatened man. They shoot red lasers from their eyes at the slimy blue donkey-spawn. It dances in alarm and vanishes in a misty puff.
John and Sarah exchange high-fives and the rescued man offers beers in gratitude. John dribbles his beer on his outfit a little, but Sarah helps him with it. She leans in close and dabs his chin with a napkin. John puts an arm around her, ogles her bosom, and winks for the camera. The rescued man brandishes a plunger and gives thumbs up. The moment is interrupted by a violent rumble outside. Sarah and John look each other in the eye and dash theatrically out through the door.
They arrive in the street to see the donkey man-creature has made off with the Washington Monument and is wielding it as a club. It smashes a few buildings, bleats, and stomps toward the White House. More slimy blue donkey-spawn leap from out its mouth and slither away to cause untold havoc.
John and Sarah point to conspicuous rings on their index fingers. Instead of jewels, the rings have matching elephant symbols. John and Sarah nod and dramatic music booms from somewhere. They strike hero poses and shout in unison, “Magical Maverick Powers, Unite!” Then they slam their clenched fists together, connecting the rings.
A flare of multicolored light bursts from the point of impact. Mist spills into the street around them and coalesces into a gigantic robot elephant-man. Inside its eyes are John and Sarah, working levers and spinning dials. The robot elephant strikes a hero pose, then flies off under power of rocket boots. It lands, arms folded, directly in the path of the donkey man-creature.
The donkey man-creature bleats a challenge to the sky. It rears back and swings the Washington Monument at the robot elephant-man's torso. The robot elephant-man catches the full force of the strike and is knocked clear over to the Vietnam Memorial. Trees sway and foliage flattens from shock wave.
The donkey laughs a herky-jerky laugh and resumes its path to the White House. The elephant rises to its feet, shakes off the effects of the club, and lifts the Vietnam Memorial from out the crumbly earth. It sounds a trumpet blast from its robotic trunk and hurls the Memorial like a boomerang.
The Memorial whirs across the burning city and strikes the donkey man-creature upside the head. White sparks shower from the point of injury. Part of the head falls away, revealing inside a tall thin black man with a turban on his head and a copy of the Quran strapped to his back. He works levers and turns dials, and curses alternately in hood slang and arabic. His multitude of donkey-creature minions emerge from the Capitol wearing suits and grinning. They hurl a massive barrage of acorns that blot out the sky.
Cut to a close up of John and Sarah panicking within their robot. Arcs of electricity dart around the control room and the screen shakes left to right.
VOICEOVER: All looks lost for our tax cutting heroes! How will they escape? Find out next time on Maverick Sentai Fever!
